The Soundtrack Of My Life

stupid

(stoo-pid) adjective

lacking intelligence or common sense: I am stupid.

fat

(fat) noun

a natural oily or greasy substance occurring in animals bodies, esp. when deposited as a layer under the skin or around certain organs: I am fat.

My brain has a default setting: I am stupid and fat. Like a diabolical jukebox that plays only “Barbie Girl” or “Achey Breaky Heart” until you want to pour battery acid in your ears, so goes my brain.     

It looks something like this: there is a miniature tape player located at the back of my head, snugly lodged in my cerebellum - yours may be an I-Pod if you’ve already had the upgrade. It hums a long, quietly forgotten, playing the dull everyday elevator music of my life until something happens that requires a more dramatic soundtrack. 

CLICK

WHIR

A new track plays…  It’s something more appropriate… It’s… Oh, it’s “You’re Stupid And Fat” again…   

Over the years I have purchased some great albums for my tape player: Essential Affirmations Vol. 1 and 2, Oprah Winfrey’s Greatest Hits, Positive Platitudes (the spoken word version narrated by Morgan Freeman is phenomenal), and Anthony Robbins’ classic, Awaken The Giant Within: The Remix Album.

I tend to buy just singles now so I am not stuck with a bunch of duds – God bless technology! Those receiving frequent plays include; “I Am Becoming Better Every Day,” “I Choose To Be Happy,” “Just Keep Walking,” the Dr. Phil classic “How’s That Working for Ya?”and the timeless treasure “Don’t Punch The Barista In The Face.”

I wish I were an electrician so I could go in there and rewire the whole bloody system. The first order of business would be to reset the default to something else.  Imagine if the player reverted to “I Can Do This” or “You’re Going To Be OK” instead of “You’re Stupid And Fat.” 

Wow!  Some days I can imagine that...

It is a constant job, changing the tape, changing the song. I’m a heck of a lot better at it now than I was ten or fifteen years ago and I suppose that’s progress. I catch my self when I hear a familiar refrain and make a concerted effort to change the tune to something more positive. 

I’m thinking of moving “You’re Fat And Stupid” to an oldies file and retiring it from the playlist but it is harder than you’d think. It’s been playing for so long and the tune is so ingrained in my consciousness that I’m afraid I will miss it.  There’s an emotional attachment to telling myself these awful things – a familiarity that is both comforting and safe. 

Ultimately, I am not stupid and I am not (that) fat.  These default messages were introduced by somebody else, a long time ago. They serve no real purpose except to impede progress and self-acceptance.

Sort of like a bad song that gets stuck in your head…