Plunger problems...

Improvise

(im-pro-vise) noun

produce or make (something) from whatever is available; I improvised a toilet out of a plastic bag.

I took a crap in a plastic bag the other day.  It’s still sitting on my porch…

Lemony Snicket ain’t got nothing on this series of unfortunate events.

Due to the fact that I’ve been so sick from this nasty cold my husband recently “regifted” to me, my brain has been a little foggy.  I may have inadvertently dropped some paper towels into the toilet instead of the wastebasket and caused the whole thing to back up. 

Infected

butter

(but-ter) noun

a pale yellow edible fatty substance made by churning cream and used as a spread or in cooking

lung butter

(lung but-ter) noun

a pale green inedible sticky substance hacked out of the lungs during bouts of the flu

I’ve caught a nasty cold and have been coughing up wads of juicy lung butter for the better part of a week.  It’s the kind of toxic goo that when deposited into the bathroom sink will stick fast and refuse to go down the drain no matter the water pressure used.  My only recourse is to give it a gentle nudge with a finger…

Show Me Your Teeth

tooth fairy

(tooth fair-y) noun

a gay dude who is obsessed with teeth

Chippy, Cracky, Blacky and Can-Opener…

Those were the names of my four front teeth before I had them fixed.  They were vile and disgusting.  I became so self-conscious I would rarely smile and would speak with my hand over my mouth to hide them from sight. 

Things didn’t start out this way.  Up until grade nine I had “normal” teeth.  I never needed braces and my check-ups always went well.  One day, as I was walking to the lunchroom (not watching where I was going) someone opened a door into my face.  It hurt like a motherfucker.  There was a lot of blood.  My journey to becoming a tooth fairy had begun.