Cock Punch

punch

(pun-CH) – verb

strike with the fist: that guy deserves a good punch

cock punch

(cock pun-CH) – verb

strike with the fist into a man’s genitals: I would really like to cock punch that guy

I did not invent this term but there are times when nothing else will quite suffice.

Like the guy who watched his dog shit in the park this morning and did not bother to pick it up, he needs a good solid cock punch.  You know who you are too, you dumb troglodyte.  You were wearing those really tacky red shorts (obviously straight) and a hideous t-shirt with a bad metal band on it, like GWAR or Insane Clown Posse.  It was near the corner of East 7^th Avenue and Windsor Street – in case you have forgotten.  It is probably still there so go pick it up or a group of angry Gremlins will come cock punch you in the middle of the night.

Or the people who are still printing the paper version on the Yellow Pages, those fuckers need a good hard cock punch.  I saw a pile of them in the street today, moldy and rotting, unused and forgotten.  Nobody uses the Yellow Pages any more assholes!  We all have cell phones and access to information these days – those massive missives to a bygone age are just as redundant as Sarah Palin.

You know who I would really like to cock punch?  People who do not give up their seat on transit for pregnant women or the elderly.  The ones who pretend to be so engrossed in Fifty Shades Of Grey (or whatever crap they are reading) that they do not notice the enormous belly protruding in their face need to be cock punched for sure.  The ones who refuse to make any eye contact at all need a double cock punch – and a vagina chop.  My husband sometimes uses a cane, due to his sciatica, and when people do not offer up their seats to him it puts me in a cock punching frenzy.

A short (but by no means extensive) list of people who need this particular form of behavioral therapy includes; Republicans, smokers who toss their butts everywhere, cranky waiters, Tom Cruise, the guy next door learning to play the cello, parents who refuse to discipline their children and the referee from the U.S.A vs. Canada semi-final Women’s soccer match at the Olympics. 

Cock punches for you and you and you.

Oh, and lest I forget, a particularly brutal cock punch for Enbridge and the people responsible for the Northern Gateway pipeline.  A company with a proven track record of incompetency the size of Enbridge’s should never be allowed the opportunity to fuck up our BC Coastline.  804 spills between 1999 and 2010 isn’t just shameful, it’s criminal. 

So, Patrick D. Daniel, President and CEO of Enbridge Inc., be sure to wear a protective cup when you leave your house.  Just to be on the safe side.