Gutters

gutters - noun

a shallow trough fixed beneath the edge of a roof for carrying off rainwater

-       technical a groove or channel for flowing liquid

cum gutters - noun

on muscular/ripped guys, the lines on both sides that lead from the hips towards the groin. the indention is the cum gutter: the easiest way to avoid wet spots is to catch excess spunk in your cum gutters

Confession time.  I have always wanted cum gutters.  Deep, long, Mariana Trench/Grand Canyon sized gum gutters.  I picture myself lying back and pounding Pinocchio until frothy white man goo flows freely down the deep ditches of my chiseled abs as often as the next guy…

Here’s the rub: cum gutters require dedication.  I have never had, nor will I ever have, the discipline necessary to sculpt my abdomen in this fashion.  The closest I come to a “crunch” is the sound the Dorito makes when I bite into it.  Part of me admires the men who have the drive and tenacity needed to create these fathomless ravines straddling their abs but most of me just wants them to die.  Seriously, if God wanted us all to look like David Beckham why do most of us look like Jack Black?

Cum gutters (like their evil friend, six-pack) mainly serve to perpetuate negative body image and self-deprecation. This is especially true in the gay community, where self worth becomes inextricably tied to the way one looks with their shirt off, whether it is swinging wildly over your head in an ecstasy-induced dance trance or crumpled in a ball at the foot of a stranger’s bed. 

You are who your torso says you are. 

Recently my torso told me I should be straight… 

From my perspective it seems like straight guys have it made.  They can be as gross as they want and still get laid.  Fat, hairy, receding hairline, Trump-style comb-over it doesn’t seem to matter.  How many times have you seen a drop-dead gorgeous woman with a beastly troglodyte and wonder what the Hell was going on?

Clearly the answer is for gay men and straight women to get together and turn the tables.  Lets inundate the airwaves and magazines with unattainable images of perfection for straight men.  Lets airbrush and photo-shop their bodies to the edge of reason.  Lets outlaw beer bellies and demand starvation….

What do you say ladies? 

Perhaps by exposing their hypocrisy we can drag our self-esteem and adverse body image up out of the gutter(s) together…