Cock Punch

punch

(pun-CH) – verb

strike with the fist: that guy deserves a good punch

cock punch

(cock pun-CH) – verb

strike with the fist into a man’s genitals: I would really like to cock punch that guy

I did not invent this term but there are times when nothing else will quite suffice.

Happy Unniversary

anniversary

(an-ni-ver-sa-ry) noun

the date on which an event took place in a previous year: today is my fourth wedding anniversary.

unniversary

(un-ni-ver-sa-ry) noun

the date on which an event that should have taken place did not: North Carolinians will celebrate the unniversary of their gay marriage ban on May 9^th 2013.

Important recent unniversaries include January 21^st 2009, when George Bush was sworn in as the 43^rd POTUS.  You know, after he and his Cronies stole the election from Al Gore.  December 13^th 2011 when the Canadian government pulled out of the Kyoto Protocol, effectively reneging on the single most important piece of climate control regulation ever passed.  October 3^rd 1995 when OJ Simpson was found “not guilty” of murdering Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman.  You remember; the day the entire world went “Fuuuuuuuuck!”

43 and feeling...

birthday

(burth-dey) noun

an anniversary of the day of your birth; I can’t believe I’m having another birthday.

Sooner or later it was bound to happen.  I would have preferred later.  I’ve turned 43.

42 and still no clue has evolved into 43 and feeling _________  I’m not sure how to fill in the blank just yet but I’m confident it will come to me. 

Braaaaains!

Zombie

(zom-bie) noun

a corpse said to be revived by witchcraft, esp. in certain African or Carribbean  nations: watch out for that fucking zombie!

- informal a person who is or appears lifeless, apathetic, or completely unresponsive to their surroundings.

This was my husband’s response when asked if he would kill me if I was bitten by a zombie:  “Without hesitation!”

Plunger problems...

Improvise

(im-pro-vise) noun

produce or make (something) from whatever is available; I improvised a toilet out of a plastic bag.

I took a crap in a plastic bag the other day.  It’s still sitting on my porch…

Lemony Snicket ain’t got nothing on this series of unfortunate events.

Due to the fact that I’ve been so sick from this nasty cold my husband recently “regifted” to me, my brain has been a little foggy.  I may have inadvertently dropped some paper towels into the toilet instead of the wastebasket and caused the whole thing to back up. 

Infected

butter

(but-ter) noun

a pale yellow edible fatty substance made by churning cream and used as a spread or in cooking

lung butter

(lung but-ter) noun

a pale green inedible sticky substance hacked out of the lungs during bouts of the flu

I’ve caught a nasty cold and have been coughing up wads of juicy lung butter for the better part of a week.  It’s the kind of toxic goo that when deposited into the bathroom sink will stick fast and refuse to go down the drain no matter the water pressure used.  My only recourse is to give it a gentle nudge with a finger…

Show Me Your Teeth

tooth fairy

(tooth fair-y) noun

a gay dude who is obsessed with teeth

Chippy, Cracky, Blacky and Can-Opener…

Those were the names of my four front teeth before I had them fixed.  They were vile and disgusting.  I became so self-conscious I would rarely smile and would speak with my hand over my mouth to hide them from sight. 

Things didn’t start out this way.  Up until grade nine I had “normal” teeth.  I never needed braces and my check-ups always went well.  One day, as I was walking to the lunchroom (not watching where I was going) someone opened a door into my face.  It hurt like a motherfucker.  There was a lot of blood.  My journey to becoming a tooth fairy had begun.

My Crack

dress - noun

a one-piece garment for a woman or a girl that covers the body and extends down over the legs

eating dress

(eat-ing dress) noun

any assortment of clothing worn specifically for eating; typically over-sized with an elastic waist; dinner is ready so put on your eating dress.

It was comedienne and activist Margaret Cho who brought this term into my vocabulary. My eating dress is a pair of black sweat-pants, a ratty housecoat (which used to be white) and a pair of slippers.  I change into this ensemble the moment I get home from work (which is pretty much when I start eating) and generally wear it throughout the evening.  I sometimes wonder if my Husband thinks these are the only clothes I own?

The Moment That Changes Everything

Revelation

(rev-e-la-tion) noun

a surprising and previously unknown fact, esp. one that is made known in a dramatic way: revelations about his personal life.

It’s hard to explain.  I knew fairly early on that I was different than the other boys but I didn’t know exactly how.  We liked the same games and watched the same television shows.  We dressed in similar styles and played on the same sports teams. We teased girls, wrestled with each other and behaved like miniature mobsters as most pre-teen boys tend to do.

Bully?

Bully

(bul-ly) noun

a person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker.

First of all: go see “Bully.”  Take your kids.  Take your neighbor’s kids.  Take your kids entire 11^th grade class.  This is an extremely important, excellently crafted documentary exposing the reality of what is actually happening in our schools.  Maybe it’s happening to your child or maybe it’s happening because of your child…

I was a bully.