Infected

butter

(but-ter) noun

a pale yellow edible fatty substance made by churning cream and used as a spread or in cooking

lung butter

(lung but-ter) noun

a pale green inedible sticky substance hacked out of the lungs during bouts of the flu

I’ve caught a nasty cold and have been coughing up wads of juicy lung butter for the better part of a week.  It’s the kind of toxic goo that when deposited into the bathroom sink will stick fast and refuse to go down the drain no matter the water pressure used.  My only recourse is to give it a gentle nudge with a finger…

Show Me Your Teeth

tooth fairy

(tooth fair-y) noun

a gay dude who is obsessed with teeth

Chippy, Cracky, Blacky and Can-Opener…

Those were the names of my four front teeth before I had them fixed.  They were vile and disgusting.  I became so self-conscious I would rarely smile and would speak with my hand over my mouth to hide them from sight. 

Things didn’t start out this way.  Up until grade nine I had “normal” teeth.  I never needed braces and my check-ups always went well.  One day, as I was walking to the lunchroom (not watching where I was going) someone opened a door into my face.  It hurt like a motherfucker.  There was a lot of blood.  My journey to becoming a tooth fairy had begun.

My Crack

dress - noun

a one-piece garment for a woman or a girl that covers the body and extends down over the legs

eating dress

(eat-ing dress) noun

any assortment of clothing worn specifically for eating; typically over-sized with an elastic waist; dinner is ready so put on your eating dress.

It was comedienne and activist Margaret Cho who brought this term into my vocabulary. My eating dress is a pair of black sweat-pants, a ratty housecoat (which used to be white) and a pair of slippers.  I change into this ensemble the moment I get home from work (which is pretty much when I start eating) and generally wear it throughout the evening.  I sometimes wonder if my Husband thinks these are the only clothes I own?

The Moment That Changes Everything

Revelation

(rev-e-la-tion) noun

a surprising and previously unknown fact, esp. one that is made known in a dramatic way: revelations about his personal life.

It’s hard to explain.  I knew fairly early on that I was different than the other boys but I didn’t know exactly how.  We liked the same games and watched the same television shows.  We dressed in similar styles and played on the same sports teams. We teased girls, wrestled with each other and behaved like miniature mobsters as most pre-teen boys tend to do.

Bully?

Bully

(bul-ly) noun

a person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker.

First of all: go see “Bully.”  Take your kids.  Take your neighbor’s kids.  Take your kids entire 11^th grade class.  This is an extremely important, excellently crafted documentary exposing the reality of what is actually happening in our schools.  Maybe it’s happening to your child or maybe it’s happening because of your child…

I was a bully.

Hockey Hangover

Hangover

(hang-o-ver) noun

a severe headache or other side effects caused by drinking excess of alcohol. A thing that has survived from the past: a hangover from the sixties

Hockey Hangover

(hock-ey hang-o-ver) noun

a severe headache and other side effects caused by the dismal failure of Canadian teams to win the Stanley Cup: a hockey hangover since 1993

Now that we’ve all had a little time to digest another wretched year for Canadian hockey teams, it’s time to get real.

Get on the Gravy Train

gravy

(gray-vee)  - noun

The fat and juices exuding from meat during cooking.  A sauce made from these juices together with stock and other ingredients.

There were three rules at the dinner table when I was growing up.  When reaching for anything, one foot had to remain on the floor, your butter could never be thicker than the bread and gravy was not a beverage.  

The Difference

marriage

(mar-riage) noun

the formal union of a man and a woman, typically recognized by law, by which they become husband and wife: a happy marriage.

gay marriage

(gay mar-riage) noun

same as above except with partners of a similar gender and a lot more oral sex: a very happy marriage.

Its true… 

Decaf

Nebuchadnezzar II

(Neb-u-chad-nez-zar)

(c. 630-562 BC), king of Babylon 605-562 BC  “Destroyer of nations”

Nebuchadnezzar III

(Neb-u-chad-nez-zar)

(1969-TBA AD), fake moniker I give at Starbucks when they ask to write my name on the cup.

I loathe this new policy.

Learning To Count

counting – verb

(with obj.) determine the total  number of (a collection of items): when counting the number of sexual partners you’ve had you must include blowjobs.

I’m about to shatter the myth of rampant promiscuity amongst gay men.  AKA: the “gay men are sluts” rule.  

It’s really just a matter of how you count.